Saori

Yeah... totally forgot about this journal thing... Haha, total loser I know. As my friends would know I have the worst memory ever. I swear, I really am no good with things like remembering to meet someone at a certain place and time, memorizing lines (like the freaking prologue of Canterbury Tales!! AGH), or even remembering what I've written myself. I'm always having to give apologies for forgetting things. And I always ALWAYS have to reread my own written work when it gets a few months or so old. It's ridiculous. But, anyways... Maybe this will inspire people to forgive me for getting their Saori fix here? This thing was pretty new, but I still wanted to use it. Sorry..

And as for The Bet, I can't exactly claim amnesia or anythign of the sort for the next chapter. Only extremely busy-ness! Between college applications, graduation preperations, competition season, and my full load of AP classes I've been dead. Like, literally. Zombie walking here; move it people! Okay, wow, that was incredibly nerdy. Haha. Have I mentioned I've gotten no sleep?

So, where was I... Oh yes, the next chapter has only about five pages currently. But I've finally figured out what I want the plot line for the chapter to be, I've just got to get time to write it. And energy. I've been so emotionally spent with all my angry feelings.. Haha. That must sound weird. But my best friend isn't my best friend anymore basically. And I'm starting to wonder is he ever really was... That sounds depressing. I feel fine though. Just a little sad, I guess now.

Now, I'm a terrible poet. Honest. But whenever I get really depressed or upset, the best way for me to express myself is by writing poetry. And now, against better judgement, I'm going to post some of them. Feel free to leave critique, because I've always admired good poetry and the people who wrote them. Mind you, I said GOOD poetry, and I'm very particular. Probably because my own is so bad... Haha. Let me also mention the fact that within a month, every single one of my friends as gotten a boyfriend. It's like it's freaking mating season or something. It's kind of creepy, let me tell you. It's not so bad, because luckily right now I don't like anyone, so I'm not jealous or lonely that way; but everytime an event is planned I don't even feel like going along because I'm the awkward 17th wheel or whatever. See? The top 8 people of my friends list all are paired up!  Anyways, here's some lines.

11-09-08
what is this feeling
dread and lonliness
has me cringing
why do i feel this

ache is back
i loathe it deeply
a noticeable crack
no one to heal me

time is fear
is it running out
no one here
echoed shout

tick-tock ticking
heart breaking in time
shick-shock shearing
heart ripping in rhyme

...Is it as bad as I think it is? Well, whatever, the emotions are out, and I've felt better in the past two days than in a while. Still, I do miss him. And moving on.

In brighter news, I've got my early application in. And only have three more to go... le sigh. Wait, this is brighter news, isn't it? Haha. I find out about my first choice in less than a month - and I'm so nervous! I've wanted to go there since I was in seventh grade! That's a long freaking time! So, anyways... College crap sucks. But it'll be worth it. WOOT!

What else? What else? I kind of wanted to make this one long for any hopeful people who actually check this to find out updates. You know what else has been delaying writer magic? Twilight. Yeah, finally discovered Twilight fanfiction had some gems. (I went there like a year ago and wasn't apt enough yet in my web searching to find anythign good - but lo and behold, I've learned at least a few things in that time). So I've been reading ALOT of twilight fanfiction. And starting many of my own, before remembering that I have CCS fanfiction that needs finishing up as well as not enough time to commit to more stories. I'm terrible with commitment... Haha.

Here, I'll let you take a peek at some of it, because it's most likely never to get posted. Plus, I'm trying to give you benefits for actually coming to my author page. Haha.

(Untitled - Edward & Bella)
It was an engagement party.

All of Forks had turned up for the event; for Bella’s event. She couldn’t walk two feet without getting stopped by someone offering their over-the-top congratulations. People were excited, after all, the Chief of Police’s daughter was tying the knot, and it was sure to be a grand occasion.

Speaking of, she hadn’t seen her father since the very beginning of the night. Not that she was exactly mingling anymore, considering she’d taken to hiding out on her balcony. She was sick of the attention; secretly, more sick of actually feeling sick.

Bella Swan wasn’t ready for marriage. At least, not to Jacob Black – even if he was her best friend. Sure, she loved him, but she wasn’t in love with him. But what else did she have to go for? He offered comfort and security in her small town life. He owned his own mechanics shop, the only one in town, and she had no hope for escaping the small town.

Her dad, Charlie, wanted her to settle down with someone that loved her. Check. Her mom, Renee, wanted her to settle down with someone she loved. Check… sort of.

Bella let out a quiet sigh, her eyes scanning the crowd below in her spacious backyard with disinterest, before she resumed her gaze to the large moon.  It felt particularly bright on this night, but she still felt hidden in the shadows casted by the trees and thrown across her balcony. If she were to stay here all night, would anyone notice?

Biting her lip, she let her eyes search the crowd for her supposed beloved, not having a hard time finding his with his loud and easy laugh. She felt herself smile a little as she watched him enjoy himself, telling a story or joke to the crowd surrounding him. Her heart clenched tightly seeing the empty space to his right. Was that her place?

But, as Bella lowered herself to a sitting position, her arms wrapped around her knees, she took note that no one really seemed to miss her. No one was even attempting to search for her. She wandered sarcastically if she was even needed to really walk down the aisle; people normally looked through her anyway.

Numbly she watched dresses and tinkling glasses, her mood becoming more and more dark. It was summer now, her wedding promised for winter. Who wanted a winter wedding anyway? She didn’t, that’s for sure. Everything was dead in winter – there was no green. She loved green.

“Bella…” It was a beautiful voice, a voice that lifted her heart, and made her cheeks warm. Only one voice could do that. Looking down, she noticed she wasn’t the only one at the party hiding in the shadows – there was Edward Cullen, standing tall, his head back to watch her. His eyes were a perfect twinkling green.

“Edward,” Her voice was as soft as a whisper, a sound that shouldn’t have been heard over the ruckus of the guests nearby, but he did hear it. His ears strained to hear more, and he knew he’d never felt as vulnerable as he did just now. Eyes watching her beautiful crumpled form, the pain in his own eyes reflected in her own, body alone in the shadows, unguarded against the threats that were so near. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“I know,” Was his only response, and Bella tried to stop the thrill that he hadn’t left yet, that he was risking it all to stay with her. “Bella, can you really-” He didn’t seem to know how to continue, his eyes darkening. “Can you really marry Jacob? Do you love him?”

“Yes,” Her lips spoke before her heart fully comprehended how she could hurt him. A small part of her wanted to hurt him; asked desperately for her own pain to be returned on him. An eye for an eye, as it is. At his stagger backward as if receiving an actual physical blow, she instantly regretted her choice. “I have to marry him, Edward. It’s the best choice I have, and I – I love him enough.”

“Enough?” He growled, taking a step forward to regain the ground he had lost earlier. “It’s not enough, Bella, he’ll never be enough for you. You deserve so much more – someone who treasures you more than life itself, someone who can take care of your heart properly.” His words only hurt her, bringing out an anger she thought she didn’t have any more.

“I don’t see any takers besides Jacob, do you?” It was a challenge to be proved wrong. Because, truly, that was what she wanted. To be proved wrong. At the tightening of his jaw, she knew he wouldn’t speak up. The anger was replaced by a pitiful depression, stronger even than the one she’d been in before seeing his glorious face.

“Bella,” His voice caressed the sound of her name on his tongue. It hurt. “You know we can’t be together.” It hurt. “Your dad would never allow it, and I could never come between you and your family. It might not seem important now, but later, we would fight. You could never forgive me internally for tearing you apart. You love him and your mother too much.”

“But I love you,” She was crying now, wrapping her arms around herself more tightly. He was next to her in an instant, his practiced climb up the side of her house down to an art. His embrace was familiar, his scent intoxicating. She changed her clutches to his body instead of her own, laying the side of her face on his strong chest, his heartbeat a steady pulse that gave her something concrete to focus on.

“Oh, Isabella,” His voice trembled, a sound that made her want to be stronger for him, for both of them. “My Bella, my love,” The press of his lips to her hair, her shoulders, her face, was making her heart flutter. “This is all my fault.” Bella closed her eyes.

It's cuts from there to go back a couple of years... In her memory sort of, you know? Anyways, I'm probably not going to post it as I said, and it's no where near finished. But I really love it because it's insiration comes from the song Love Story by Taylor Swift. (Adorable song - go listen.) If you want what more I do have of it, just leave a comment or email me. It's only got five more pages. Unless I write more on it... it'll probably be just something I write when I get blocked on my other stuff.

As well as working on the Bet, I'm outlining my novel and trying to figure out how I want to do the other Definitions chapters. Those I like, because they're pure fluff and smut. A weird mix, but nonetheless non-tiring. Unlike my complicated Bet relations and actions and so on. Hmmm, it just occured to me that maybe one of the reasons I'm putting off writing the last chapter or one of two chapters of the Bet, is because I'm a little sad it's coming to and end. It started soooo long ago. It's really been my main tool for learning better writing. I understand I owe so much to the stroy and FF.Net (as well as the readers, of course), but I also know that it's kind of time to move on from the focusing on pure entertainment of individual chapters, and bring a little more literary maturity into my writing. I can only hope I'm good enough.
Alright, if you've read all this, then you're amazing, so I'll give you a sneak peek at chapter 34 of the Bet. :) And if you just scrolled to the writing, then BOO, YOU WHORE! Haha.

She’d done the whole drifting through life nodding and smiling, and agreeing with the laws of society. Look where that had gotten her. She’d heard it somewhere before, you know the saying – Nice guys go nowhere. Well, fuck that. It was time to take life into her own hands. The only time she’d ever gotten anything truly good in her life, she’d acted how she felt. Snapping at and arguing with Syaoran, even resisting him had gotten her what she wanted (well, at first; now, she kind of wished she’d learned when to succumb to him).

Tomoyo and Meiling had made it clear they preferred true Sakura to fake happy Sakura. So what the hell was stopping her? Today she felt pissed. Attention please, attention Tomeada High: My name is Sakura, but today – today, you may call me colossal bitch.

…

“What’s gotten into Sakura?” Tomoyo asked in a whisper to Meiling, their heads ducked to each other in the middle of third period. Sakura was currently ignoring the lecture to get out her colored pencils and color in some of the scenery that could be seen from the nearby window. Which would’ve been fine, you know, if it hadn’t been in the middle of Calculus.

“I don’t know,” Meiling said, glancing over to their subject of choice. They noticed the teacher start to head toward Sakura’s desk, before returning to his own desk at Sakura’s intimidating glare. “But I kind of like it.” They tried to cover their giggles.

“You know, that glare oddly resembled Syaoran’s, wouldn’t you say?”

“Indeed,” Meiling outright laughed, even to the obvious annoyance of the becoming quickly useless teacher. “I wonder what he’s doing right now, anyway. I haven’t really been to our apartment in a couple of days since I’ve been at your mansion. I know he went to Sakura’s for a family dinner last night though. Wasn’t that around the same time you sent that text to Sakura telling her he unrolled?”

“Yeah, she never replied back,” Tomoyo said thoughtfully, peering once again at the (for now) docile Sakura. “You think she kicked his ass or something?”

“I don’t think so; if she had, he would’ve called me like a little crybaby to heal help his wounds.” Meiling laughed once again, but this time the teacher’s look was interrupted by the sound of the bell. “Care to find out with me? You’re more tactful than I am, Tomoyo, but sometimes being nosy has its advantages.”

They went over to Sakura’s desk (she was taking her time to put her pencils in perfect rainbow order – and she seemed in no rush to do so) with barely concealed grins, not an ounce terrified as everyone else seemed to be today. Meiling opened her mouth to weasel information as promised. “So, Sakura… I heard Syaoran came over last night.” Nothing. “And that he unrolled here without telling anyone.”

“You bet that bastard did,” Sakura said, finally flouncing to her feet, her cheeks a surprisingly pinkish-red hue. It was a healthy color, a color akin to excitement and determination. “But that’s old news – guess what I’ve decided, you guys.” They looked at her expectantly. “I’m going to sleep with him. And not sleep with him in the take a nap in the sunshine kind… I’m talking down and dirty, naked sweaty bodies-”

“Oh god, that’s my cousin; please stop this torture.” Meiling looked queasy, while on the opposite end of the spectrum, Tomoyo’s face lit up.

“Anyways, here’s what I’ve been thinking-” Sakura started again, but not before she was once again interrupted, this time by an angry Calculus teacher.

“Excuse me girls, sorry to interrupt you drastically important conversation,” Sakura raised an eyebrow at his mocking tone. “But that was the bell that just rang; the bell that means it’s time for you to get to fourth now.” Tomoyo opened her mouth to sweetly apologize and usher her friends out, but she obviously hadn’t been informed of Sakura’s new name.

“Is that what that bell means?” Two could play the mocking game, that’s all Sakura was going to say. “I wasn’t sure if it was to inform us to run along to our next oh-so-stimulating class or if it was simply the sound of an angel getting its wings. Thanks for clearing that confusion up; now, if only you were so good at teaching us things that actually mattered, but, eh, I guess there’s only so much a math teacher can do, right?”

“Alright, got it, Mr. K, we’re out.” Meiling never thought she’d be the one to have to halt an escalating match between a teacher and someone other than herself. Well, except maybe Syaoran. When they were safely away, Meiling stopped dead to resume their conversation, trying not to look at Sakura with too much awe and amusement. “What exactly is going on?”

That really was quite generous of me, you guys. I hope I didn't give away too much. Haha. I also hope I didn't get your hopes up, only to not update soon. Give me courage... or death threats! Haha. Only kidding.. don't take that last part too seriously. Alright, it's late, I'm out. Please leave comments, questions, ancedotes, or anything your heart desires. :]

Status on Chapters:
The Bet (34) - one page
Temptations (4) - eight pages
Bite - ten pages

AGH! So I know I say this a lot, but it's the honest truth- I am super busy! I had a leadership retreat and then practice eight hours a day for three weeks (only three more days to go!), and between college stuff and registering for my classes and the OLYMPICS; I've been non stop. Not to mention any spare time I do manage to scrounge up I've been trying to manage a social life and reading fics in the Twilight section of FanFiction.Net. So... yeah. Haha.

Plus I don't know what I want to update next. I kinda want to get the Bet finished, but then again I really like writing Bite right now. Then there's this whole other part of me that wants to try writing my own Twilight fic, but I don't have a plot or anything... so bleh. And I'm totally supposed to be reading Oedipus Rex and Mythology before school starts in five days. Trés crap. That's 411 pages of pure boringness that I don't know if I can push myself through. Grrr.

What else did I want to talk about... Oh yeah! The Olympics, of course! I love them! I mostly watch all the girls gymnastics (I really like Shawn Johnson, although Nastia is really good and pretty) and Michael Phelps. Agh, I freaking love him!! Greatest Olympic Champion ever! I got so nervous at every one of his races. Haha. But, as you might know, he came through, and turned out eight gold medals! Agh, Incredible! I really spent alot of time watching the Olympics, it's like four hours every night! I'm so tired after practice, olympics, reading... All well, I made my choices. Haha.

Anyways, I've really got to be going now. Hopefully updates here and over at FF.Net soon! :]

Finally, after a long weekend of going non-stop, I can relax... Well, sort of. My friends seem extra bored or something these days, and seem to want to drag me everywhere all the time. And my brother is crazy bored, because it seems he wants to see a movie every single day. I saw Mamma Mia! and The Dark Knight. They were both eqally good I thought, but I'm a pretty easy movie critic. I love them all! Haha. Love the catchy Abba tunes, and I love Christian Bale. And of course, respect to Heath Ledger (rest in peace) for his amazing last performance in a very hard role that he makes look easy.

Just updated the Bet, which I worked on whenever I wasn't getting hassled to death to provide entertainment for everyone. Ch. 33 holds a special place in my heart, but is also the reason I'm particularly exhausted this weekend! Haha. Oh yeah, which reminds me. I need sleep. How could I forget?

So I leave you with the mostly complete playlist that helped to get the juices flowing for The Bet:
1. Across the Universe  - Jim Sturgess
2. Automatic  - Elize
3. Beautiful Disaster  - Kelly Clarkson
4. Bittersweet Symphony  - The Verve
5. Brink of Disaster  - Mae
6. Crushcrushcrush  - Paramore
7. Don't Dream It's Over  - Sixpence None the Richer
8. Fall For You   - Secondhand Serenade
9. Fallen Through  - Skye Sweetnam
10. Hot N Cold  - Katy Perry
11. How It Ends  - Devotchka
12. I'll Take My Chances  - The Click Five
13. I Don't Really Like You  - Skye Sweetnam
14. A Little's Enough  - Angels & Airwaves
15. No Air  - Jordin Sparks     ..Very important for helping me create Ch.33..
16. Outside of You  - Hilary Duff
17. Over  - Lindsay Lohan
18. Right Here  - Miley Cyrus
19. Say It Again  - Marie Digby
20. Sweet and Low  - Augustana
21. That's What You Get  - Paramore
22. There For You  - Flyleaf
23. What Do You Want From Me  - Cascada
24. Who's to Say  - Vanessa Carlton

So, during my class, I get extremely bored and start reading. But yesterday I finished my new book, and didn't have a new one to pick up, so I began re-reading one of my favorites. It seems pretty unheard of, at least in my circle of friends, so I was just wondering if anyone has heard of it. It's called Old Magic by Marianne Curley. Anyways, I've probably read it at least 20 times and wanted to find someone else who has actually even heard of the thing. Haha. I absolutely love it, even though it does get a little too witchcraft and broomsticks at times. I just love the character development of Jarrod. Plus, it gets quite exciting near the end with all the sword-fighting, spell-throwing action parts. Haha.

Hmm, what news do I have to bring? Project Runway started I guess. I don't really watch that show, but it seems ever single one of my friends do, so they all get together and make me come... Haha. If anyone saw it, I simply loved that dyed vacuum cleaner-bag dress. (Haha, if you don't know what I'm talking about you must be confused.) And for that matter that plastic cup dress was pretty amazing too. Haha.

I'm actually watching So You Think You Can Dance right now, which I actually do love, and look forward to every week. TEAM KATEE!! Haha. If you wanna know why, YouTube Katee and No Air, or something like that, and watch that dance. I love that one. Sigh... I wish I could dance like that. If I ever tried I'd probably look like a flying turkey. :( Haha.

In case anyone is wondering, yes, I am working on The Bet. It's hard... I never planned on the accident to happen. And then it did, and now Sakura's family holds a hell-of-a grudge against Syaoran. So... I kinda wasn't planning on that happening. Plus the Elders issue was kind of last minute thing. Blehh.. I should get to work shouldn't I? Instead I'm working on my vampire fic, right now called The Bite. I don't even know if I'm going to post that thing. Haha. If I do, I'm only going to if it's completely finished. Which, right now it's not even that close. I can't help it though. After re-reading my Twilgiht series (Breaking Dawn Aug. 2!) and reading Evernight, I have a slight obsession with vampires... Haha. Here's an excerpt if you're curious:

Sakura took her own step toward him, her eyes only focused on the fresh mahogany liquid rising steadily past the cut. She tried to not breath, tried to close off her nose to the heavenly smell that was making her ravenous. Her mind was disgusted. But, oh, she wanted it.

She saw her hand, paler than she remembered, tightening over his wrist, her other hand grasping his muscled forearm. She tried to resist, even as she brought his beautiful, delicious-smelling, bleeding arm toward her parted lips. Sakura squeezed her eyes shut, trying to forget the image, trying to forget the smell that filled her nostrils. How could she want this? She could resist – she would resist.

“Sakura…” His voice was quiet, velvety against the stillness of the room. “It’s alright, you know. I’m offering, and it will help to stop the hurting.” With his uninjured arm, he reached up to touch her shoulder, surprising them both with the intensity of his coldness and her heat. “It will be okay, Sakura, for both of us, I promise.”

If only his voice wasn’t sending delightful shivers through her, if only his goddamn blood wasn’t right in front of her, begging to be tasted. Shame could not even reach her as at long last she put her mouth to his wrist. It was even better than it smelt, so refreshing in its coolness, the same temperature as Syaoran with his no longer beating heart.

And then, suddenly, the liquid was choking her, making her almost gag on its awful taste. She drew away quickly, spitting as much as she could out next to her, wiping her mouth with a sickening expression as she tried to rid her mouth of all traces of the red liquid. She looked up to see Syaoran staring at her curiously, his expression calculating as if a new puzzle had been put before him. “What happened?”

“That is a very good question, Sakura,” His voice mumbled, almost to himself, but answering her question directly as well. “It tasted good at first?” With a sickly frown she nodded slowly. “And then judging by your actions, it tasted… not so good?” The smallest of smiles found her face, and she nodded again. But her stomach ache was back again, maybe not quite as strong as before, but still painful.

Sakura’s eyes took in the mess she had accidently made by spitting out his blood. “Oh my! I’m so sorry, Syaoran!” He looked at her then, not seeming to mind her statement, only focusing on her words, or more correctly, her last word. She seemed to catch her new mistake at the same time he did. “I mean… Li.”

His dark amber eyes caught her in his trap. For a moment she forgot how to breathe, and it sent her poor heart rocketing so loudly she was sure he could hear it. Except, well even if she had been a mile away, she bet he could’ve heard it, because he was a vampire. And she was…? Trying to clear her over-exerted mind from her thoughts, she refocused on his glowing eyes. They seemed closer.

“Sakura…” What the hell was up with him saying her name like that? It was making her knees like jello. “It’s alright that you call me Syaoran,” She was right, he was getting closer. “I wonder… I wonder if you would let me taste your blood?”

Her eyes closed briefly, before she knew they had, and then snapped open. “Well…” Her legs were no more excellent at stepping away than they had been when trying to stand upright in front of his gaze. “I mean… You did let me taste yours?” It came out as a question, even though it was a fact. She couldn’t actually be considering letting him drink her blood, could she?

“It will hurt a little,” He said as an afterthought, but his gaze was absolutely smoldering now, his amber turning darker, an almost black, and yet still she was not afraid. She wondered if she were broken or something.

His hand was back at her shoulder, his other now on one side of her neck. Her heart beat started its tempo faster, and before closing her eyes she could see a smirk touch his flawless lips. Her skin was becoming rapidly more and more flushed, and a part of her was thankful for the coolness of his skin against her’s.

“So very interesting…” She wasn’t sure if his comment was for her, but her ears did have to strain to hear it. She felt his nose bump tenderly into her neck, inhaling slowly as his hands unconsciously tightened, and then released as he seemed to realize that he could easily crush her. “You smell human… but better. Is that even possible?” Now she knew he wasn’t meant to be heard.

Sakura wished he would get it over with already, even as what he did thrilled her more than it probably should have. Then his lips were at her neck, sucking deliciously at the nape where her wein throbbed almost painfully. She didn't know what she wanted anymore, so she gave away all thought, all rationality, pressing into the monster before her, and pressing her neck closer to his soft cool lips.

Hmm, I'm unsure if I like it. I like certain things I guess. Well, maybe I should be working on The Bet instead. Haha. Input? :]

Hey guys!
    Okay, so as you might've heard, I'm terrible at keeping a journal. Right now, my journal is really great with a soft cover and a maroon satin ribbon bow to tie it. I loved it... for about a week. Then I remembered how boring my life is, how I have nothing to write to myself, because I just talk to myself anyways. Haha. The last entry in that beautiful thing was like back from December. Maybe this way, it'll motivate me more because it'll be just like telling stories to people. Well, my personal stories, but still...
    Well, what's new? I'm a bit sick I guess. Sore throat and terrible hacking cough. Haha. Umm, I'm taking a summer class to get it done with. Practice is killing me... but that's not new. Haha. Anyways, I thought I'd write a first entry just to get things started. Hopefully, more later. I WANT to keep a journal fairly up to date. Le sigh...